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Food: It’s Complicated

November 10, 2015

Hi guys. I feel like I haven’t written anything here in a while, but it’s not for lack of trying. I promise, I have at least 20 posts in draft mode…in my head. I’m going to be completely honest with you: it’s hard to write about food when you can’t eat it. When every bite makes you nervous and you can’t find the same joy you used to, because you know you’ll probably end up regretting it later.

I wish I had an answer for what is going on with me, but I haven’t figured it out yet. Not Celiac disease, thankfully. Check that one off the list. Lots of fun things run in my family, so I know that this is just the beginning, but havingcheesecake the answer would be nice. I thought it was so hard just being lactose intolerant, until eating anything began feeling like a war against myself. I could avoid cheese, make dairy free cheesecakes, and alter spinach artichoke dips to “mostly” dairy free then. Now? I look at the food on my plate and cross my fingers. The last six months of feeling like this haven’t been easy. When I wake up in the middle of the night shaking and feeling sick to my stomach, all I can do is think back to what I ate. What could have possibly dissolved me into this person who can’t even make it through the night without regretting a meal?

Everyone has a complicated relationship with food. I thought that after a childhood of Banquet TV dinners eaten alone, I’d conquered most of my food demons. I watched my mother use food as a security blanket, and told myself I’d never do that. But I never thought that food would become the enemy. That all the things I love, like chicken pot pie, bread, french onion soup and decadent desserts, would ultimately be out to get me. I especially never thought I’d be avoiding restaurants I love in Portland, because there’s nothing on the menu that makes me feel good anymore. How can I be a food lover, if I can’t love food? I think it’s more…I still love food, but I need to find out why it doesn’t love me back anymore. I call, and get the busy tone. I text and no response. It’s like I’m in a relationship that just can’t give me anything anymore, where I’m too needy and they refuse to talk to me.

How do you counteract that? I’m trying to by going to a nutritionist and doing a FODMAP elimination diet. By getting more blood tests so I can check other things off my list, and eventually circle the thing (or things) that are wrong, so I can stop feeling like I’m at war. I promise you body, I’ll treat you right, if you’ll only help me figure out what is wrong with me. In the meantime, I’ll just take it one day at a time.

Do you guys have any tips? Places that I should go, that will be accommodating that everything I eat makes me feel miserable? I’ll take any and all suggestions, and promise new posts will be up soon. Thanks for listening.